A New Chapter
Seeing how my grammer’s Alzheimer’s has progressed over the last year and a half, more specifically the last few months; I’ve been wondering if I’d even know when I should make the conscience decision that I couldn’t care for her anymore. I’m not one to ask for help and it’s rare when I do; mainly because of my pride but also, I don’t want to be seen as a failure. I’m not at the stage anymore where I worry about what others think of me but how I see myself. That constant thought in the back of my head of “you can always do something more for them that can make a difference” seems to be the driven factor behind that. I don’t know if it stems from when I lost my mama when I was a kid or not but I seem to think it does.
Tuesday a few weeks back started off a very hectic week and it kind of snowballed to something I didn’t want to face but at the same time it was a blessing. After much prayer and meditation along with a seemingly never ending source of tears while talking with my ‘adopted’ mothers; I’ve made the decision to relocate back to Livingston, Texas and the ones that know me well will tell you that this wasn’t an easy decision to make and one I know I’ll be questioning for quite some time.
I’ve finally learned that I need to do something for myself and actually take care of me. I’ve been taking care of family most of my life (and I know it sounds like I’m trying to talk myself up though that’s not my intentions) and put them before myself even if that meant leaving everything I knew behind. I don’t regret those decisions because those are what make me who I am today and they have taught me many life lessons and given me many precious memories I’ll cherish forever.
It breaks my heart knowing that I’m going to be leaving my brover out here because we are so close, though I’m still trying to get him to move back out that way with me. It’s a small town so there isn’t much out there for a teenager from the city and does that boy love the city… I also don’t want to leave my grammers just to be placed in a home because she’s done so much for my brothers and I; taking care of her when she needs it is the least I could do. It’s been a hard decision to make and I believe that I’ve done all that I can do without hurting myself anymore in the process.
So, come November I’ll be moving once again where I believe I’m supposed to be. I plan on coming back at least once a year to visit California, especially to go back up to camp but my home and heart is in Texas and it always has been and it feels good to be able to finally go home. I don’t know what awaits me on this new journey of mine and I’m not a big fan of the unknown most of the time; though I am learning to trust God with my life more; I’m still excited and nervous for this new chapter to begin. I want to thank everyone who I’ve met and worked with on this journey of mine, yall are amazingly wonderful and may God bless you.